What good is a middle name these days?

There are those of us on this great planet that go by their middle names. My full name is James Dwight Dana. I like middle names so much that I hung them on my triplet boys: Robert Brenton Dana, James Radisson Dana and the late Rich-ard Payson Dana.

But beware my friends. There are bureaucracies out there who refuse to believe people have middle names, although they have no problem recognizing middle initials.

I was called Dana when I was in the Navy be-cause the lot of all enlisted personnel is to be called by their last name. But all correspon-dence to me was addressed to James D. Dana.

The Internal Revenue Service refuses to believe that I have a middle name. Hence I’m James D. Dana to them, too.

The name on my driver’s license is Jas Dwight Dana. I guess that is because I tried to get by with J. Dwight Dana and it sent the system into an eclipse.

I now get mail addressed to Jas Dana.

I tried this week to get the problem taken care of at the Highway Department. But I’m told I have to bring my birth certificate out there so that they can confirm my first name is James. And even if I bring the reclusive certificate, I can’t go by J. Dwight Dana because the system is set up for full names.

Please, somebody tell me how my first name was shortened to Jas if this is the case.

I go around and around with Brenton and Radisson about insisting they be called by their middle names. The whole time Brenton was at the University of South Carolina, all correspon-dence was written to Robert B. Dana. The same was true for Radisson at The Citadel: James R. Dana.

Brenton is still learning, but Radisson has seen the light. He got several tickets he didn’t want me to know about, but the notices came to my house under the name James Dana. I opened them, much to his chagrin.

I guess I’m lucky that my home telephone num-ber is listed under my late father’s name. He died in 1964.

I have a real good time with telemarketers when they call the house and ask to speak to Richard, who, by the way, didn’t have a middle name.

I tell them that Richard is not available, but he can be reached at Grove Hill Cemetery. I say his line may have been disconnected, though, be-cause he expired 44 years ago. Most telemar-keters hang up on me. Some even say they are sorry to hear about his death.

Meanwhile, most of the forms I fill out want you to write your first name, middle initial and last name. I always put J. Dwight for the first name. Apparently this blows minds because I get re-turn correspondence addressed to Dwight J. Dana or Jdwight Dana.

I think this is a conundrum that will never be solved. I don’t lose sleep over it and I won’t unless the good Lord rattles my cage one night and calls me James or Jas. I’m in enough trou-ble now for being an Episcopalian, so if he knocks, I’ll go by whatever name he calls me.

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