Toward A Number-Free America

In this technologically-oriented age, there is no question that human beings have become a slave to numerals or numbers (as the Greek called them).They are used to define our age, our places of residence and even ourselves. Think not? I would remind you of a little thing called your Social Security NUMBER. That phrase was okay until we got to the number part... when I got to that part I vomited in disgust. In part because of the word "number", in part of because of the mayonnaise and banana sandwich I had just finished (no doubt the banana was quite old).

Blog reader, there is nothing wrong with having ages, houses or Social Security - but numbers... I'm not quite sure, but I'm absolutely positive that they are the work of the dark side, the ancient dragon slayer Indra, the perditious Satan. Numbers are to us what Murdock was to MacGyver and, most assuredly, they will be the downfall of humanity. I needn't remind you about the dystopic future predicted by the Academy Award winning film Terminator 2. If we don't stop our devotion to numerals, they will destroy us.

With that in mind I present one of the most important documents to hit the world since The Starr Report:

Proposal For A Number-Free America

In order to ensure that future generations are spared the fate of a subservience to numbers, I present this document as an emancipation from numeration, a freedom from the 1-2-3-dom. I encourage you to read this over with your families as you eat dinner cooked, not to 450 degrees, but cooked with-the-stove-knob-turned-a-little-more-than-half-way-around. That's how our ancestors did it and that's how we should do it, too.
The most pressing problem in our society is the problem of time. It is one item that is always in short supply. This particular dilemma leads to all sort of other problems including age, birthdays, dying, math and speeding tickets. I believe that the root of these things are not time itself, but numbers. In light of this discovery, I am proposing suggestions (a better term would be commands) for a number free world.

They are as follows:

The eradication of all numbers.

The use of other, less numeristic phrases, in place of numerals.

The encouragement and promotion of alternative expressions to fulfill the supposed void left by numbers.

Notice I did not say "three" suggestions, why? Because that's what THEY want you to do. THEY want me to say THREE suggestions because that means I couldn't add more later. Don't you see how numbers would lead to our ultimate destruction? THREE square meals a day? Why THREE? What if I want to have SIX? What if I want to have TEN? Will I be discriminated against if I eat ten meals a day, even if those ten meals a day are nothing more than granola and bologna sandwiches?

Now you see the gravity of the situation.

Imagine, if you will, a world without numbers. I can quite easily. Walking down the street, an old friend approaches me.

"Hello, Nick."

"Hello, old friend."

"You don't remember my name, do you?"

"Of course, I do...Stephanie..."

"It's Jack."

"Jack?"

"Yeah, a lot has changed since high school."

"I'd say so... so what else has happened since high school?"

"I have a son."

"Wow...really...how..."

"I have a son."

"I'm sorry, yes, you have a son. Of course."

"He's beautiful."

"How old is he?"

"Why, he's orange colors old."


Did you see what happened there? No numbers were used at all and it was a perfectly logical conversation. Imagine a life where you are no longer forced to expose your out-of-touchedness with the single mention of a numerical phrase. People once said, "Don't Trust Anyone Over 30." Well, in the new numeral-free age that may become "Don't Trust Anyone Over Kumkuat."

Now that phrase makes no more sense so you have to do away with it.

In a way, this is like a spring cleaning of the language. We're getting rid of unnecessary linguistic junk, we're cutting past the fluff used for the sake of good feelings.

In a numeral-free world there would be no first, second or third place in competition. There would only be Best, Almost As Good, and Worst.

It seems harsh but, in time, people would come to grips with themselves in ways never known before.

A numeral free world is a free people world. A world free for you to do or say anything you like, as long as you don't use numbers.

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