Talking with Tomatoes

Good day, blogreader! The nation has nearly recovered from the month-long scare that got Americans looking a bit closer at a tiny red food. I'm talking about tomatoes. It's a food that has been the subject of controversy long before the recent "red scare". I decided that it's time to clear the air with this enigmatic red object and separate the ripe from the rotten. Tomato, how are you?

Actually, Nick. It's pronounced "tomato".

To-ma-to. Is that it?

*Sighs* Close enough

I want to dive right in and ask you about the recent controversy. The Federal Drug Administration issued a statement saying that salmonella has been linked to tomatoes. It caused an uproar in the national food market. What is your response to this controversy?

Well, first... *sigh* You've got to understand that I've answered this question several hundred times since that announcement.

I understand.

Well, no you don't. Don't say that. I hate when people say that. First, THAT statement you're referring to concerns raw red Roma, raw red plum, raw red round tomatoes. I'm a beefsteak tomato and I'm washed. In fact, the majority of tomatoes are washed and perfectly healthy. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming the FDA. Their statement says that the problem (holds up paper to read) "does not apply to the following tomatoes from any source: cherry, grape, and tomatoes sold with the vine still attached." That's pretty obvious. People just don't want to read. It's easier to assume we all have salmonella.

So, what you're talking about is massive "specie-al" stereotyping.

Exactly! I't's terrible, not just in this country, but all over the world. You know, I've seen some bad stuff. Just last week...ahem...just last week...I watched a whole bushel of green tomatoes squashed by an angry mob. These were GREEN tomatoes! *Sobbing*

Can you continue?

*Still sobbing* Yes...yes, I can. It's just...I get emotional when I talk about these things...my wife...is a green tomato.

I didn't know.

She is. And, you know, everyone thinks tomatoes live happily together, free of worry. Just all day in a bushel basket. That's a dream world, Nick. The crap I went through when I married her...just because she was GREEN...and it was crap thrown by OTHER tomatoes...and it was REAL CRAP too...fertilizer...it's just too much sometimes.

You've actually had quite a bit of struggle in your life. I believe your mother and your father were both vine tomatoes...is that correct?

Yes, they came from the Yucatan Peninsula.

And, I don't know if you'd mind talking about your parents?

*Long sigh*

Are you okay?

It's fine...it's fine. You see, I didn't know them long because...well...when I was nine months old...they were turned into ketchup.

Good Lord...

I didn't see it happen...thank goodness...but I hear it's terrible. The last time I saw them they were in a bushel and then they were gone.

I'm so sorry....

It's okay. They were actually my adopted parents. As you know, tomatoes come from a vine, so we all have the same parent...it's just a shame we can't realize that and we let things like shape, size and color shouldn't separate us, but they do.

You've also been very active against...let's see...tomato...throwing? Is that correct?

*Shutters* Yes. It's a terrible act. Millions of tomatoes have been used to provoke disenchantment with speakers. Killed in fits of rage, you understand? That's no way to go. But worst of all is that in Spain they've recently made it into a festival. I've campaigned against it as much as possible, but, you know, there's little I can do...I'm a tomato, you understand.

Of course.

I'm not even sure how we're communicating.

Let's not worry about that. Moving on, I wanted to ask you about some of the other, what you have called, "flagrant misportrayals of tomatoes by the media".

Yes, glad you brought that up. Films, cartoons, movies. Veggie Tales is the worst. You know, we HATE Bob the Tomato. He's a sell-out to the species and a charlatan. Some of us doubt if he's even a tomato. And "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" was just propgaganda to get us killed. You can't deny there's a double standard here. You don't see anything bad about onions coming out do you? Why not make a movie called, "Attack of the Killer Onions....that make you cry when you cut them" I don't know. I'm not a writer...just a little equality is all I'm asking for.

Of course. I understand. I have one final question for you. It's something that people have been asking about you for quite some time and I think you know where I'm going with this...

I know, I know, but let me say it right here, right now, so everybody can hear: I am a tomato and I am a FRUIT! That's right. I'm a fruit and PROUD of it.

Tomato, thank you for your time and thank you blogreader. Please drop by for more exclusive interviews and blog entries only at scnowcommunity.com and remember, "Don't Hate-O the Tomato."

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