Ghosts, Biscuits and Ernestine Walker

Blog reader, or rather, bleagder,

Let me be brutally honest with you: I was frightened.

You would be too if your refrigerator started making noise, your floors creaked and, suddenly, you discovered an ancient spirit in the form of two frozen bacon, egg and cheese biscuits living in your freezer.

Its name is Ernestine Walker. It, or rather, she wore a blue mumu with pink and yellow floral designs printed on it. Her hair was wild and white, encapsulated beneath a clear shower cap. For some reason, she had no eyes. When I asked her why she said, "It's a long story."

But she had a lot to say, bleagder.

She told me she could see into the future. Not with regular eyes, she noted, because those had been lost long ago. Rather, she saw with "future eyes".

"What are future eyes?" I asked her.

"They're eyes that are in the future," she replied. "When we get to the future I'll show them to you. They're nice."

What Ernestine Walker revealed to me were 8 outstanding predictions for the future. Ones she said I should share with my bleadgership.

"Be very careful with these predictions, Justin," she said.

"Ernestine, my name's Nick. I'm the new guy," I replied.

"Hmph," she frumpled. "I liked Justin better."

Bleadger, I now present to you Enrestine Walker's Top 8 Predictions for the Future:

1. In the future, cars will no longer run on petroleum-based gasoline. They'll run on nuclear power. Consequently, this is also how the world ends. A Hummer owned by a man named Randy will start up his vehicle in order to go to work and the resulting explosion will destroy his entire block. The entailing nuclear fallout will last for 700 years. Be on the lookout for a man named Randy. Here's a hint: he has a moustache.

2. In the future, people will no longer use post-it notes. Instead they will use genetics to bring homing pigeons back from extinction and they will also insert a gene that causes the birds to produce yellow feathers. People will use the homing pigeons to write messages, but instead of sending them to other people (as would be logical), they will tape the pigeons to their desk. This seems cruel and a bit mindless, but eventually everyone will get use to it. Kind of like higher gas prices.

3. There will no longer be races. Black, white, red and yellow - people finally stop referring to people by their skin color. This is because they have chosen to separate people by their earlobes instead. Two major groups will emerge: those with earlobes connected to their heads and those with earlobes not connected to their heads. The two groups will seem unreconcilable until a leader emerges with a right ear lobe connected and a left ear lobe unconnected.

4. All wars will be replaced by staring contests.

5. Pauly Shore will be elected president of the world. Under his leadership, poverty will end, the earth will be revitalized and the phrase "tax my gig" will enter the vernacular. (Ernestine also mentioned that Pauly Shore will have one connected earlobe and one disconnected earlobe.)

6. A dolphin will become mayor of Miami and introduce groundbreaking new legislature to solve the immigration crisis, but shortly thereafter it will be assissinated by an orca.

7. People will have telephones installed in their brains. They will immediately regret this decision.

8. While attending his grandchild's birthday party, Barry Bonds' arms will explode and spray candy everywhere. Children will rejoice.

After her predictions, Ernestine slowly faded away. I never saw her after that. It occurred to me that this was her purpose all along: to tell me of the future. I'll miss her dearly and I'll always remember her parting words to me: "Don't eat the biscuits, whatever you do, don't eat the biscuits."

I can't thank her enough for her wisdom and, if she's out there, I hope she knows that I'll always remember her and I'll never eat the biscuits.

Log In | Register as a new member