Can I get clemency from quitting just for one day?

I am struggling. This week I have really had to fight the urge to stop at a gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes. At first, I wasn't sure where this incessant need was coming from, and then I realized how close it is to Nov. 18.
I'm sure for most of you, that date has no significance at all, but for me it is a date that is seared into my mind for eternity. That was the day, in 2000, when I got the phone call saying my father had been murdered. I've never entirely gotten over his sudden death, or the fact that his killer was never punished, so each year, myself and my family struggle to get through that day, pretending like nothing is even wrong. It never works, of course, but we try anyway. Right now, just writing this, it's hard to breathe. I don't do a very good job of coping with emotions. I never have. I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried in the past five years. I have simply found other ways to cope with the strong emotions that come from having someone you love forcibly taken from you. I spend time with my husband and son and pretend nothing is wrong. It works for me. Sort of. But I usually have cigarettes to allow me to have some much needed solitude on a day when everyone asks me ad nauseum, "Are you okay?" So trying to avoid cigarettes this week is really tough. Wish me luck.

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